Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home