Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two