Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
You Might Also Like
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life