for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that