The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
You Might Also Like
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇