A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I forgot how to panic. Help
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.