I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.