Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?