Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
What’s a Messi?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.