NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The Onion called it…again.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Seems legit
Have kids, they said
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.