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Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Krampus.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*