Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
still the best tweet of the year by far
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I found your tweet-up…
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Customer is always right
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.