Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I needed a laugh this morning.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them