Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I put the hot in psychotic.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?