To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.