Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.