I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
May have had one breakfast too many
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.