馃槑 馃嵒
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Fortunately, I鈥檓 just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Oh crap, this isn鈥檛 what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won鈥檛 move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn鈥檛 understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
The thought that I鈥檓 the human鈥檚 pet #BlowsMyMind
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll鈥檚 face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*