So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
No regrets in 2018
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Oh my God.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.