Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Unexpected Judgment