5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
New favorite tiktok
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra