Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
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In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.