I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: I really need to save money
Also me: