I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome