Food gives you energy to nap more.
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I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Hot hot hot 🥵
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.