Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.