I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
You Might Also Like
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Okay, I’m still confused…
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.