Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)