“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
how much for the angry fruit?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight