no!! no!!!!!!
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.