My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
me
No, he would not have.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
fly smarter, not harder
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad