[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.