“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites