every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.