Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules