If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
he looks great for his age
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.