Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You Might Also Like
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout