Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.