I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
yes, those are my real potatoes.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds