Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
the three branches of government
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude