My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
tinder is all about the long game
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health