Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Not recommended for beginners.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s