[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.