Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.