When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised