I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭