Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?