Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.