I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital