Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?